Hercules walked along the dirt path determinedly. followed by Iolaus, Kirk - still tightly bound by thick ropes, Dagan who shoved Kirk along; all too happy to deliver some new torment to the psychotic captain, and finally Spock, looking uninterested in everything. As they walked they began to hear shouting. Iolaus glanced over at Hercules.
"Unprovocated battle sequence?" Hercules nodded and replied.
"Let's go." They ran ahead, leaving Dagan in charge with strict orders not to kill Kirk. They found a wagon with a broken wheel, surrounded by bandits, all attacking the goods stored there.
And in the middle of it all, was Salmoneus, arguing, wheedling, and negotiating with the barbarians.
"Salmoneus?!" Iolaus called. He turned around from where he was involved in a desperate game of tug-of-war with a fragile vas, with an inept thug. He released the vase and the thug went flying, landing hard and smashing the vase.
"Do you have any idea how much that vase cost?!" Salmoneous yelled at the thug. The thug got up and went to punch Salmoneus but hound his fist caught. Before he know what has happening, Hercules sent him flying and the fight began.
Dagan laughed hysterically, hauling Kirk into the air and tying him to a high branch in a near by tree. She looked back and pointed to Spock and commanded him to stay. She then vanished off to join the fight.
Spock arched an eyebrow at Kirk who was staring down at the ground in terror, swinging gently in the tree.
"Fascinating."
***
Dagan appeared again in the middle of the fray, punching, kicking, throwing bandits, and laughing hysterically.
"This is awesome!" she called to Herc who flattened two men with a single blow, one of those hand flew up, knocking out a third. Herc nodded and Iolaus flashed her a grin.
"Yeah, it's great!"
"Just one thing though. Weren't there like 9 guys? Cause I just got here and I've taken out twelve!" Just then one of the bandits got in a lucky shot to Dagan's face, knocking her to the ground. She glared at him, then kicked him, sending him flying.
"OUCH!" she shouted. Herc stretched out a hand to help her up, inadvertently clothes lining the last bandit.
"Why didn't you just try them all?" Iolaus asked watching Dagan brush herself off.
"Fry them?! What do you want, me to get fired??" Dagan asked with a mix of offense and sadness. "That was a hand to hand fight sequence, I'm not allowed to fry them!"
"Oh!" both Herc and Iolaus said nodding.
Salmoneus rushed up to Herc, clasping his hand.
"Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you!" Salmoneus said shaking Herc's hand energetically. "They destroyed my entire cart though. Not one thing left for I can sell," he said releasing Herc's hand and sighing.
"Why did they attack you?" Iolaus asked him.
"Well.... I kinda owed the cart's owner some money..." Salmoneus started. Herc and Iolaus rolled their eyes while Dagan shrugged and disappeared.
***
"Spock... you must... get me down!" Kirk said looking at the Vulcan.
"That would be highly illogical Captain. Your captors have a rather large advantage. Even if I did free you, they would have no problem tracking you down."
"What do you mean... my captors. Spock, they're your... captors too!" Kirk reminded him.
"Actually they seem quite fine with the idea of me being free. I don't think they'd even mind if I left."
"You must get me down Spock!"
"How would you purpose I do that Captain? Even if I climbed up the tree, how would you get down?"
"I'll fall, no wait... Perhaps we should just wait..." Dagan appeared then, beside Spock. She grinned up at him.
"That was fun!" she said as Herc and Iolaus walked up, followed by Salmoneus. "Get down here!" she said looking up at Kirk. The ropes untied themselves and Kirk fell to the ground with a thud.
"Do you have to be so mean to him?" Hercules chided.
"No why?" Dagan grinned. Kirk groaned and picked himself up, shaking his head. "Hi, welcome back." she said. Kirk noticed suddenly that he was no longer bound by the thick ropes. He laughed neurotically and reached for the phaser at his belt. He pulled it out and shot at Iolaus, but the bolt was knocked out of the air and Kirk flew, screaming, into a nearby tree.
Salmoneus jumped at Dagan's show of pare. A tightly rolled up scroll appeared in her hand as she walked over to the scorched earth where the phaser beam had impacted. An invisible hand drug Kirk over and Dagan pointed at the burn mark
"Do you see that?" she asked reproachingly. Kirk nodded dejectedly. She hit him repeatedly with the scroll yelling "No no no no no no NO!"
She waved her hand and the scroll disappeared. The rope slid across the ground and wrapped itself once again around Kirk.
"Now say you're sorry!" she commanded.
"Sorry," Kirk half squeaked, half mumbled with an air of defeat and terror.
"Yes, we know. But why do you keep wanting to shoot me??" Iolaus shouted at him. Kirk just shrugged and looked away. Dagan slapped him in the back of the head.
"He asked you a question! Now answer the nice man," she told him.
"Who are these people?" Salmoneus asked before Kirk could answer. "And what did HE do?"
"He got on my nerves!" Dagan replied cheerfully. Salmoneus looked fearfully at the girl.
"He tried to kill us," Iolaus added.
"Because he's crazy," Dagan whispered, pointing to the neurotic Captain. Iolaus cleared his throat and turned away from Dagan. Kirk took a step foreword.
"I am... Captain James T. Kirk of the... starship enterprise... who's five year mission... to explore strange new worlds... To seek out new life, and new... civilization! To boldly go... where no man... has gone before!" From somewhere, women's voices rose to a crescendo as Kirk finished speaking.
"Shut up pain!" Dagan moaned covering her ears. The women's voices just as suddenly cut out and Kirk looked down.
"Yes Dagan."
"I say we move on to Alchide, or what's left of it," Herc said, rubbing the ringing out of his ears from the loud voices.
Dagan held up an index finger. "Wait! Salmoneus isn't it?" He nodded turning to face her. "I'm wondering..." she began as a large bubble appeared above her hand. An image of Bryn appeared in the bubble, black cape and all?"
"Have you seen me?" the cloaked figure in the bubble asked sweetly. Salmoneus stared at the figure in amazement.
"Pick up your jaw and answer the question."
"N..no," I haven't seen her. Who is she? She's beautiful."
"She's the girl who burned down Alchide," Iolaus told him.
"You might say she's a little nuts." Dagan added.
"Oh," Salmoneus sighed, then perked up. "Does she have a sister?" Hercules snorted.
"Oh yeah!" Iolaus said laughing.
"Really?"
"Mmmhmm... Oh she's great, fights evil and everything!" Iolaus said placing an arm around Sal's shoulder.
"Wow! Is she single?" Iolaus glanced over his shoulder at Dagan who nodded.
"Ah... Yep!"
"I'd love to meet her," Salmoneus said. Iolaus spun him around and Dagan held out her hand.
"Hi! Name's Dagan!" Salmoneus slumped visibly.
"Oh real funny!" he pouted Iolaus and Herc leaned on each other, laughing hard. Hercules wiped tears from his eyes, still chuckling.
"We'd better go... come on," he told them. Just then a young man came running up to them, yelling.
"Hercules... Hercules! Please Help!" Herc grabbed the hyperventilating man by the shoulders.
"What is it?"
"You have to help... my village has been destroyed!"
"Another one? Which village?" Iolaus asked.
"Alchide of course!" the man told him.
"Oh well we know!" Dagan said nonchalantly.
"Huh?"
"Yeah, you're a little late. That's where we were headed," Dagan explained to him.
"Yeah, we figured that out in the last episode," Hercules told him. "Don't worry, we'll be there before the next commercial."
"Oh... well thanks, I guess," the man said wandering off.
"Wait... was anyone hurt?" Dagan called.
"No, not a scratch."
"Really? Hmm well thanks!"
"How odd..." Spock said without being heard.
***
"Don't argue with me Scotty! I want as many men as can be spared. The Captain and Spock are still down there, damnit they need us!" Bones growled.
"I agree with you entirely Bones! But you'll have to get back here quick, our orbit's starting to decay. I don't know how much longer I can keep her up!" Scotty told him. Bones turned to get his supplies but stopped.
"Wait... when did you get back on the ship?"
"What are you talking about Doctor? I've been here the whole time," Scotty choked the script out. Bone just stared blankly at Scotty for a moment, shrugged, and walked away.
***
This is terrible!" Iolaus commented as the group reached Alchide.
"What are you talking about? I can get these people a great deal on real estate!" Salmoneus said.
"I thought you left the real estate business Salmoneus," Herc said. Salmoneus only shrugged.
"Hey if it can turn a profit I'll start up again!"
"Oh Hercules! Thank the Gods!" a woman shouted and people started gathering around.
"I came as quick as I could. Is everyone alright?"
"Everyone's fine. Not a scratch on anyone, oh but our homes!" the woman cried.
"Why would Bryn burn all the homes but leave the people?" Iolaus asked looking over at Dagan for the answer.
"Who knows with Bryn. Next time she might burn all the people but leave the homes," she said nonchalantly with her persistent perky grin.
"Well, all these people would have houses then..." Salmoneus said thoughtfully. "I wonder if she'd want to be my business partner. We could get rich!" Hercules rolled his eyes and Dagan giggled.
"She'd be more likely to make you her uh... head man!" Dagan said thinking quickly.
"Wow! You mean I'd be in charge of all her finances and forces?"
"Um... not quite. Oh you'll find out when she finally decides to capture you all."
"What do you mean finally?" Hercules asked.
"Well Bryn could just have you appear in her throne room any time she likes. She's probably just having fun!" Dagan replied happily.
"That's nice to know," Iolaus sighed.
"Wouldn't it be logical then to go there while she's not expecting us?" Spock asked.
"Good point! Dagan can you take us there, to Bryn's throne room?" Hercules asked.
"Why would you want to go there? Once you go inside, it's doubtful that you'll ever come out," Dagan said with a blank look. She shrugged and shook her head. "Besides, she's not a very good house keeper. Her body guard is... but he doesn't see too well..."
"Then we'll have to work around the mess," Iolaus said.
"Now wait a minute! She just said that it's doubtful you'll ever come out!" Salmoneus complained.
"Yeah... so?" Herc asked.
"We hear that all the time!" Iolaus added. Salmoneus sighed and threw his hands in the air.
"You know, I'm not even going to argue this time. Just lead the way!" Iolaus and Hercules exchanged looks.
"Am I hearing right?" Iolaus asked circling Salmoneus. "Are you actually agreeing to go with on your own free will?"
"You're right Iolaus. There ARE some weird things happening today!" Hercules added.
"Come on guys, I don't always think of myself!" Iolaus and Herc arched their eyebrows and Dagan piped up with:
"You know, if Bryn finds out you have a crush on her, she'll teach you a new definition of the words pain and torture." Salmoneus gulped.
"Hey, Sal. You know, if nothing else works, I know a real quick fix to help you get over Bryn." Iolaus told him.
"Really?!" Iolaus nodded while Herc chuckled to himself.
"Yeah!"
"How?"
"Well, you need a cold lake or river. Very cold... icy is best!"
"Uh huh"
"And jump in."
"And that works?"
"Every time! It's an old hunter's trick," Iolaus told him.
"Directly from an OLD hunter!" Dagan added with a grin.
"Hey, watch it!" Iolaus warned.
"Okay, okay. Dagan, can you take us there?" Hercules cut in. They were starting to get pressed for time and he couldn't just stand around, letting them reiterate old conversations.
"Where?" she asked innocently. All of the men lowered their heads and sighed.
***
Bones stepped on the transporter and looked over at Scotty. "Straight to Greece, get the Captain and Spock, and come back," Bones said, "now energize!"
"Energizing!" The landing party de materialized and reappeared in Greece. Bones looked around and frowned deeply.
"This isn't where we just came from!"
"Are you sure?" someone from the landing crew asked.
"Of course I'm sure!" Bones snapped as he pulled out his communicator. "Scotty!"
"Yes Doctor!" Scotty replied.
"You said you were sending us back to Greece!"
"I did sir!"
"Well then they lied to us! Beam us back up!"
"Aye, Aye," Scotty said and beamed them back to the ship.
"I can't believe this! What are the coordinates we were went to before?" Bones asked walking off the transporter and over to Scotty.
"Those were them!"
"Something's very wrong here!"
"Of course there's something wrong. Do you really think those two girls want us down there?" the Nerdy Man asked walking into the room.
"Where did you come from?" Bones asked taking a step away from the man.
"The kids sent me up here with you," he said sadly. "And since I'm not associated with your production company, I'm stuck here till one of them sends for me or I take the long way."
"The long way?" Scotty asked.
"Yeah, I call your production company, get them to call my company, get my company to ask your company for permission to leave, wait for an answer..." he sighed. "It's an awful mess!"
"Oh," both Bones and Scotty said.
***
Bryn ran excitedly into her cave. "They're coming, they're coming!" The Head floated after her, slowly bobbing up and down.
"Should I have The Body prepare the guillotine?"
"Hmm... No, I'll torture them to death!" Bryn grinned maliciously.
"Dagan won't let you do that!" The Head scoffed.
"Dagan won't stop me. She didn't stop me from killing you..."
"But she reanimated my head!"
"Shut up! I reanimated your body!" As if on cue, a large splash interrupted their conversation. The Head sighed. They waited and watched the door. Moments later a sodden, headless body walked in acting sheepish.
"You fell in the well again didn't you?" The Body pulled a stylus from his pocket and write an affirmation on the clay tablet and strung it around it's neck.
"You... are getting water on my dirt floor! I don't like mud and I don't want an entire foundation of it..." Bryn said coldly.
"Zorry," The Body scribbled in reply.
"Oh get out of here!" Bryn shouted. "Prepare the torture chamber. And light some incense or something... it smells in here. What would our guests think?"
The Body scurried out of the room as ordered. The Head floated around to look at Bryn. "You're planning on torturing them..." he said in a snotty British accent, "my guess would be Ouch?" Bryn stared at The Head for a moment and started laughing manically.
The scene starts to pan out as Bryn is laughing and suddenly slams back to the zoom it had. "Yeah anyhow... much to do, let's get to work!"
***
Xena froze, holding up a hand for Gabrielle to stop as well.
"What is it?" Gabrielle asked.
"We're being followed," Xena said, still looking around. Without warning she threw her chakram in the air. It hissed through the trees, knocking a cloaked figure from a high branch before it landed in her outstretched hand.
The cloaked figure stood up, throwing off his hood. "Why in the name of the GODS did you do that?" Autolycus growled.
"Autolycus!" Gabrielle exclaimed.
"I thought I smelled a rat," Xena added dryly. "Why are you following us?"
"I was trying to find Hercules."
"Well he isn't with us," Xena said snapping her chakram to her belt.
"Well I see that. Where is he?"
"Back up the road aways," Xena said looking over her shoulder. When she started to say something else, Autolycus was gone.
"Where'd he go?" Gabrielle asked confused.
"Who cares..."
"Yeah, you're probably right."
***
Autolycus crept into the silent campsight. Everyone was asleep, which was absolutely perfect. He snuck over and quickly searched Kirk who was bound tightly to a large tree. Kirk stirred and opened his eyes. Autolycus quickly grabbed Kirks communicator and was gone.
"Help!" Kirk yelled "They've found me!"
Spock woke and watched his Captain squirm in the tight ropes. Dagan, grouchy from being ripped from sleep waved a hand and the ropes tightened, squeezing the air from Kirk's lungs. It wasn't long until he didn't have the breath to scream anymore, so he whimpered. His voice came out a choked half squeak.
"hlp...hlp...ow...ow...ow!"
"Shut up! I want SLEEP!" she snarled. Kirk remained quiet and the ropes loosened a bit.
"What are you yelling about now?" Herc asked groggily.
"M...monster," Kirk muttered, testing the ropes. "It took my communicator. It's Your FAULT!" Kirk screamed, repeating that it was their fault again and again until Dagan tightened the ropes once more.
"Ssshhh...." she whispered. Spock checked his belt loop and then the Captains.
"He is correct. Our communicators are in fact missing." Spock said turning to Hercules.
"Oh great. You can't go back with out them can you?" Iolaus said, just waking up enough to comprehend what was going on.
"Unfortunately that is the case," Spock admitted.
"I'll bet your sister is involved with this!" Salmoneus said.
"We need to get those communicators back and get him... I mean THEM, back where they belong," Iolaus stated and shook his head. "Glad I don't have any immortal siblings."
***
Bryn sighed and waved away the image of her sister and new friends. This was beginning to bore her, and the last thing she liked was being bored. When had her sister become so PREDICTABLE? Bryn raised an eyebrow, looking at herself now in the mirror.
"S'pose it's time to shake things up a bit..." she said to herself.
***
"Yeah, you're lucky not to have brothers and sisters with the ability to drop in anytime," Hercules said. Suddenly Ares fell to the ground at Herc's feet wearing a towel. "See what I mean?"
Iolaus nodded solemnly. Ares jumped to his feet and as he did the towel fell off. Dagan squeaked, disappearing and reappearing behind Iolaus, eyes squeezed shut.
Ares looked around, then down... He snatched up the towel and slung it around him.
"WHAT is going on here?!"
"You should really try getting dressed next time you travel," Hercules said. Iolaus, who had spun around to cower with Dagan, was now nodding in agreement.
"I didn't do this!" Ares shouted.
"It's YOU!" Kirk cried getting a glimpse of Ares.
"Oh no... I'm gone..." Ares said... but after a moment of silence he was still there. Nothing had happened.
"I thought you were leaving... please leave," Iolaus said attempting to turn around.
"I would love to, but it's not working!" Ares snapped.
"No my love, don't go!" Kirk whined.
"None of my powers are working!" Ares yelled.
"Put clothes on!" Dagan cried.
"I like what he isn't wearing," Kirk put in. His ropes tightened once more, choking the breath out of him.
"Shut up!" Ares looked at Dagan with appreciation.
"I can't put clothes on. I DON'T have any clothes to PUT on, and none of my powers are WORKING!" Ares yelled.
"Well... here!" Dagan said, moving around Iolaus to blast Ares. His towel disappeared, replaced by shin length pants, loafers, a white shirt and a beanie. Iolaus, Hercules, and Salmoneus doubled over and laughter while Spock just raised an eyebrow at the ensemble.
"Yeah... you think that's funny don't ya?" Ares growled.
"Uh huh!" Dagan said nodding vigorously.
"Don't mind her too much. She finds everything amusing, Salmoneus said out of no where. Ares glared at them all, removing the beanie. Salmoneus ducked behind Herc when Ares glare reached him.
"Fine... Have your laughs. I'm outa here!" he turned and stalked away.
"No! Don't leave me!" Kirk screamed and broke out of the ropes. Ares yelped and started running, Kirk at his heels. Everyone, even Spock was laughing this time.
Ares ran twenty feet and suddenly flew backwards, slamming into Kirk. Both men landed in a heap at Herc's feet. Ares was on his feet before Kirk realized what had happened.
"You did this didn't you?" Ares growled at Dagan.
"No... I wouldn't do a thing like that!" Dagan replied innocently. "I wouldn't wish him on ANYONE!"
"I bet your sister would though," Iolaus said, sobering for a moment. Dagan struck a thoughtful pose, then nodded vigorously and grinning.
"Well then she's the only one who'd be able to fix everything. I say we go there now!" Herc said.
"Can't we wait till morning? I mean with it being dark and all it's not really safe..." Salmoneus whined.
"Salmoneus, shut up." Iolaus said.
"Lead the way Dagan," Herc said.
"Wait... she's leading the way?" Ares snapped.
"She's the only one who knows where the place is," Iolaus informed him. Ares sighed and crossed his arms over his chest.
"So your lives are in MY hands? COOL!" Dagan said happily.
"Come on... we're wasting our allotted time," Herc said, standing impatiently, waiting for them to get moving.
***
Bryn turned slowly, a grin plastered on her face. Autolycus walked up, lead by The Body. He flashed her a broad smile and held up the communicators.
"I don't know how I did it, but I got them both!" he said proudly.
"Good job..." Bryn breathed getting up and taking the devices.
"So.... for my wonderful job... where's my reward?" Bryn looked over at him in puzzlement for a moment.
"Great job... thank you!" Autolycus chuckled and started walking around her.
"You can keep your thank yous. I'll take something a little more valuable, like gold or treasure..." Bryn cocked her head and watched him as he circled her.
"How about a trip to the guillotine?" Bryn asked, bland expression on her face. Autolycus stopped, mid-stride and looked at her nervously.
"I'll take the thanks..." he said forcing a smile on his face.
"Good boy..." Bryn said walking back over to her throne.
"Should I go check up on them? See where they are?" Autolycus asked approaching the large, stone chair carefully. As he moved, he left a wide berth between him and The Body.
"No need... they're on their way here now. They should be here by noon," Bryn said.
"How can you tell?" Autolycus asked, looking at the mirror with her. All he saw was their reflections.
"It's a magic mirror. Only she can see into it," The Head said at Autolycus's shoulder. He yelped and spun around, staring in terror at the floating head. Bryn just laughed, watching the next scene unfold.
***
"That's it?" Iolaus asked raising an eyebrow at the run down shack, high on a craggy cliff.
"Hey looks can be deceiving!" Dagan said with a smile.
"That's a pretty rough climb Dagan. Maybe you should cut him loose for now," Herc suggested nodding towards Kirk.
"Nooo!" Dagan whined, clinging to the rope even tighter.
"I agree with her. I don't really trust him running loose," Iolaus added.
"No! He is not coming loose!" Ares snapped. Herc sighed and shook his head.
"Suit yourselves."
And they started climbing. They climbed for the better part of an hour in the summer sun. They sent Salmoneus ahead so incase he fell there was a good chance that he'd be caught by either Hercules of Dagan... well Hercules anyway. Herc was just behind Salmoneus, twenty feet down Iolaus was having trouble finding a new hand hold.
Spock was climbing along, ignoring everyone, while Dagan bounced happily up the rocks with one hand holding onto Kirks rope. Kirk whimpered as he was knocked against the craggy rocks. Lastly came Ares. He was struggling without his powers, but strangely was in his normal, black, leather attire.
Dagan sighed and paused. Well this is boring! They all suddenly disappeared, reappearing at the top of the cliff. Ah, much better! she sighed. All six men stared at her, stunned. She looked around and shook her head. Oops, forgot my bag! She vanished again, rematerializing with a bag. What? Why are you guys gawking at me?
You could have teleported us to the top of this cliff at any time? Herc asked with a raised eyebrow.
Yeah, so?
So why didnt you? Salmoneus interrupted.
Well arent we getting lazy. Men of YOUR age can use a little exercise. I did you a FAVOR!
Our age? Ares exclaimed.
What do you mean OUR age, Dagan asked him. Youre a God, what do you care? Herc sighed and shook his head.
Wed better go, that little scene just cost us more time.
***
Theyre here! Bryn cried, is everything ready? After a moment of silence The Head cleared his throat.
Body? but The Body just tapped its toe. Well?
Theres no bonfire it wrote into the stylus.
What?! That was my favorite. Why not? Bryn snapped.
The well The Body wrote.
It appears that he fell into the well again and all of the wood got wet, The Head explained.
Oh well, no Bar-B-Qued guests, Bryn sighed.
Well it didnt sound to appetizing to begin with, The Head said making a face.
***
Here we are our humble abode! Dagan said as she bounced through the creaking door. All of the men stopped and looked back at the door and then in front of them. The outside of the place was a run-down shack, while the inside was an immense cave. The floor was made of dirt with Zen lines etched into it around the rocks and stalagmites.
Very, uh interesting, Iolaus said, still looking back and forth over his shoulder.
I told you not to judge the place from the outside, Dagan said. Walking deeper into the cave.
Alright, wheres your sister? I want my powers back now! Ares snapped following at Dagans heals.
Patience has never been his strong point, Hercules said. Salmoneus snorted.
This coming from the man whos been RUSHING us all episode! Out of nowhere cages came crashing down around everyone but Dagan and maniacal laughter echoed through the caverns.
Body, take them to the torture chamber! Bryn ordered. She was standing in the middle of a side entrance, arms crossed under her chest, black cloak pulled over her head.
Not the short one! Dagan cried. Bryn pushed back her hood in exasperation.
Oh why not?
Hey! Herc protested.
Short one? Iolaus cried.
Okay, spare Kull over there too! Dagan said nodding to Hercules.
What about me? Im the God of War! You cant torture me!
Well see about that, Bryn hissed.
I would just like to say, that you are beautiful, Salmoneus cut in.
This is fascinating, Spock said as if on cue.
Hey! We had a deal! Autolycus shouted. His own cage had fallen with the rest of them.
Youre going to kill me arent you? Kirk asked.
My, arent we the bright one. Yes I am tubby, Bryn purred and turned to Autolycus. I changed my mind A loud crash interrupted them as Xena and Gabrielle burst through the door.
Did we make it in time? Gabrielle asked looking at the scene.
Oh KILL THEM! she shouted in agitation.
NO! Herc, Iolaus, Salmoneus, and Autolycus all shouted.
FINE! Bryn snapped, waving her hand. The two girls vanished into thin air.
Where did you send them? Iolaus asked.
Where they were before they came in! Bryn said dramatically.
Excuse me wouldnt that Spock started.
Bryn, that would be right outside the door, Dagan said at her sisters side.
What just happened? Xena asked stepping cautiously through the door this time with Gabrielle.
Oh well that didnt work like I thought it would, Bryn said annoyed. She waved her hand again and once more the girls vanished as Dagan laughed hysterically. Now someone is going to DIE today! The cages vanished, and with them Kirks bindings. Snarls erupted deep from within the caves.
What the?
What is that? Herc and Iolaus asked.
Trust me, you dont want to know, Autolycus said at their side.
Would you all just shut up and meet your fate? Bryn shouted.
Bryn, stop this! Feed tubby to your pet but leave the others alone! Dagan growled.
Dagan, I dont like being told what to do.
But their my friends!
Then find new ones!
NO!
Im getting very tired of this Dagan!
Well too bad for you!
Why Dagan Im shocked. Youve never defied me before. Incredible, my incessantly happy sister really does have a backbone of her own, Bryn said with admiration.
Thanks! Dagan replied cheerily. But you still cant kill Iolaus oh yeah, or Hercules. And leave Spock too cause hes kind of cool!
Why should I?
Cause Iolaus is really cool, and hes no fun without his sidekick! And Spock is well Spock!
Sidekick? Herc asked.
I like the sound of that! Iolaus added.
Fine! Well compromise okay? SQUEAMER! Footsteps sounded through the caves and a nine foot tall Chihuahua came wandering in from the back. Like any normal Chihuahua it was standing nervously, shivering, as if expecting a giant foot to step on it. If they can defeat my pet, they may go free! Bryn said.
Dagan looked at the dog and grinned confidently. OKAY!
I really wanted someone to die though Bryn said sadly.
There will be other episodes The Head said floating up to Bryn, causing everyone to stare at it.
Oh head-man I get it now Very funny! Salmoneus snapped.
We could still torture Kirk, Dagan suggested.
Hmm something to consider anyway Head, keep score. SQUEAMER! ATTACK! Bryn shouted. The Chihuahua growled and leapt forward, snapping its jaws. Hercules punched it squarely in the snout and it retreated a few steps in alarm, yipping and shaking. It looked over at Bryn for reassurance. Attack him Squeamer! Bryn urged motherly. The dog looked at Herc and back at Bryn, whining.
Any time now we need to end the show, Hercules said. Squeamer only let out a small yip.
Oh fine Bryn said. She waved her hand and twelve or so soldiers with swords jumped out from behind the giant dog. Better? Now ATTACK!
Alright, my kind of fight! Ares said as the soldiers rushed forward. The Chihuahua, obviously happy for the back-up, lunged at Hercules again while Ares, Iolaus, and Autolycus fought with the soldiers. Salmoneus and Kirk cowered in a corner of the cave and Spock just stood there, watching the action around him with disinterest.
Again, mysteriously the number of the soldiers doubled once the first punch was thrown. Dagan giggled and joined the fight, throwing people (usually at Kirk) kicking, punching, and having a wonderful time. Ares however was still having trouble adjusting to mortal disadvantages.
Iolaus had no problems. He jumped on a table that suddenly appeared, and kicked out about ten or so burly soldiers before jumping down again. Autolycus had pulled his sword and was backed against the wall, fending off four soldiers. Finally both soldiers ran away.
Meanwhile, Herc was having some trouble with Squeamer. The dog was too big, and there was nothing in the cave he could attack it with. Bryn glanced down at The Head who just frowned.
Hey Herc, Iolaus called then tossed him the fallen soldiers sword.
Thanks! Herc said catching the sword. He turned and froze because the Chihuahua now had a sword hanging out of its mouth.
How the Ares started.
Thats a bit farfetched dont you think? The Head asked with a raised eyebrow. Dagan rolled on the ground laughing at the sight of the big dog.
I like to keep things fair, Bryn replied with an amused grin. Herc shrugged and dove at the Chihuahua. They fought for a few more minutes, everyone but Bryn and The Head was cheering Herc on. He fought the dog back deeper into the cave where there was less room. He swung low at Squeamers feet, who leapt into the air, impaling itself on a stalactite. It yelped for a moment and died.
Everyone cheered while Bryn and The Head just stared sadly at the giant dog.
Yay! Woohoo! Hes dead, we won! Yeah! Dagan said bouncing around the cave.
Its nice youre here to tell us these things Dagan, Bryn said coldly.
Okay, can we please finish this up, were about to run into the credits, Herc said hurriedly. First of all, take care of Ares! Bryn grinned and raised both hands.
No! Dagan shouted. Give him his powers back! Bryn sighed and pointed a finger at Ares. Ares laughed and flexed his muscles.
Its nice to be back! You know if you hadnt done this to me, I would have asked you to join forces. But unfortunately
Ares, time, bye! Herc said. Ares shrugged and vanished.
No my love! Kirk lunged in the spot where Ares had been. Kirk started wandering aimlessly around the cave, searching for Ares, calling out to him.
Oh thats disgusting That poor god, Bryn said making a face.
Hey. He had a crush on me in the beginning, Dagan said.
Well you deserve it. Youre supposed to be a villain! Look at yourself! Hanging all over the good guys!
Well the bad guys are always dumb! Iolaus is cool. Cmon, admit it. He rocks!
When did I become unimportant? Herc asked before he could rush them again.
Dumb?
You didnt Herc. Im just getting recognized for my greatness, Iolaus said grinning proudly. Dagan nodded agreeably walking over to Squeamer.
Are you calling me dumb? Bryn asked.
Bryn, please, save it. Wait till were done shooting, Herc said. Dagan, what are you doing, get over here! She was standing below the giant dog. She pulled on one large paw and it came thudding to the ground. She jumped back a step grinning.
COOL! she exclaimed still holding the paw. Everyone shook their head and sighed. Kirk finally gave up his search, not finding his beloved Ares.
I demand to know what you did with him? Kirk shouted. No one was paying attention to him though.
Um, since were done here, were gonna go! Autolycus said, backing out of the cave with Salmoneus.
Yeah bye! Herc said. Frustrated, Kirk lunged at Spock, pulling the phaser (that had appeared from no where) from his belt and aimed it at Iolaus.
Its YOUR FAULT! Kirk said firing. Dagan spun away from the dead dog, but was too late. The bolt hit Iolaus squarely in the chest, dropping him to the ground.
Iolaus NO! Not now theres no time! Herc said dropping to his knees beside his friend.
Back to hell you unholy demon! Kirk shrieked.
Hey! I resemble that remark! Bryn snapped, drawing Kirks attention and aim to her. You dont have to point! she growled.
Not again Iolaus I think you enjoy getting killed, Her said.
Iolaus? Dagan said softly, then growled. KIRK! Bryn pulled lightly on Iolauss arm.
Wed better step back she said quietly. Herc complied without complaint, helping her pull Iolaus out of the way while Spock backed up to a corner on the other side of the cave with The floating Head. Dagans eyes flashed.
You KILLED Iolaus! Thunder crashed in the background.
Whats happening? Hercules asked looking around.
Well Dagan has the same powers I do. She just doesnt use them unless shes very angry Bryn explained. Kirk was now aiming the phaser shakily at Dagan. Lightening flashed nearby. Like now Kirk dropped the phaser and turned to run.
Dagan let out a bone chilling shriek and Kirk flew into the air, banging off the roof of the cave, then floating down barely a foot off the floor.
Now what shall I do with him. What do you think Bryn? I think Ive got him scared cause hes floating over a puddle, but its not raining in here.
Torture him dear, but you cant kill him. Remember the hero law.
What ever you do, hurry. Were in our credit time as it is! Herc told her.
Hmm Dagan pondered. She floated over to Kirk, choking him. I could rip his head off, then reanimate both parts.
Thats cruel and unusual punishment! The Head said, then turned to Spock. Trust me, I know. Spock only nodded in response.
No lasting marks
Sometime today please.
Oh well fine! Dagan waved her hand and Kirk flew off, bouncing around from Stalactite to stalagmite making pin-ball noises as he did. Dagan walked over to Iolaus and placed a hand over his chest while everyone followed Kirk with their eyes.
Heads up! Bryn said ducking as Kirk flew where her head had been.
Sorry, Dagan said helping a revived, if not disoriented Iolaus up. At last Kirk bounced out the cave and out of sight. A moment later there was a loud splash. Footsteps preluded The Body inside. He stopped and wrote It waznt me! into the stylus.
Okay, I feel better, Dagan said with a smile.
Thank you, Iolaus said looking around. Herc hugged his revived friend.
Iolaus Youre back again!
Yeah Oh where is he! Im gonna kill him! Everyone chuckled.
He, uh, flew out here with a bruised ego, Dagan said with a grin.
Amongst other things, Bryn added.
Alright, we need to hurry. Can you send him back now Bryn? Herc said.
Yes, I spose so, Bryn sighed.
***
Weve finally got a lock on them Doctor! We can beam you down, but you must be quick! Scotty announced.
Good, is everything still ready? Bones asked running towards the transporter room with Scotty.
It is!
Good. Get ready to energize! Bones said jumping on the transporter pad.
Ready!
Ener but before he could get the word out, a loud thud sounded through the ship. What was that?
Sir, youd better get up here! Sulu called through the communicator. Bones and Scotty exchanged looks and made their way to the bridge. There they found Kirk laying in a dripping heap, twitching, and every now and then mumbling nonsense about the fat man walking alone.
JIM! Bones yelled rushing over to the Captain. Youre back! He pulled out his bio scanner to check Kirk over.
Bones is that you? Kirk muttered.
Yes, its me Jim.
I I love you Bones Kirk said looking up at the doctors blue eyes.
I love you too Kirk. Come, let me take you to the sick bay.
***
Spock, are you sure you want to go back? Hercules asked.
I must. It is my duty and my job. Besides, I have a contract with DesiLu productions. Spock said.
Kay, suit yourself! Bryn said, raising a hand.
WAIT! a voice screamed. Everyone turned to see the dreaded Nerdy Man walking up. You cant send him back yet!
Why? everyone asked in unison, taking a step away from him.
The villain, he said pointing to Bryn, has not yet been defeated! Hercules sighed in annoyance and turned to Bryn.
Do you promise to be good? No more evil?
Oh yeah complete angel, mmhmm. She said sarcastically.
There see. Problem solved! Iolaus said. Shes even atoning by sending Spock back to his ship.
Nope. Cant do it. You have to actually defeat the villain. If not then- Spock picked up his phaser and shot the Nerdy Man. He fell to the ground, finally dead.
Villain, eliminated, Spock announced.
Howd you kill him? Dagan asked picking up his hand and dropping it a few times.
As I said before. I am an employee of DesiLu, not Renaissance pictures and as such am not bound by your limitations. Spock said.
Thats great, but were outa time. Bye Spock! Herc said.
Bye! Everyone shouted as Bryn sent him back to the Enterprise.
Whew, glad thats over, Iolaus said. Ready Herc?
Yep lets go. Thanks guys, bye! he said rushing out the door, Iolaus at his heels.
Im gonna go do the exit thing Bryn. Laters! Bryn nodded and watched her sister run out the door to catch up. They made their way quickly down the path at a jog when suddenly Iolaus stopped and turned to Bryn.
You know, I like you a lot more than your sister.
Really?
Yeah, she has such a bad temper! Herc and Dagan both looked at each other and burst out laughing, continuing to jog down the path.
What? Iolaus called running after them.
***
Spock stood at the helm of the Enterprise, looking at the blue jewel that hung in space.
What now sir? Sulu asked.
Well, our most logical step would be to retrace our steps and carry on our original mission, Spock said. Warp three Mister Sulu.
Yes sir! The shot panned out to the Enterprise, floating out of the picture, stings and all.
-The End-
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